Protect
by Gazania
Summary: Moments of reflection for Lee and Amanda as the series progresses.


Author's note: Thank you so much to all for the wonderful stories you write. I enjoy reading them and have new appreciation for your efforts after trying to write my own :) Thank you also for the feedback and encouragement as I gingerly dip my toe in the water ;)

Season 1:

As he pulled away from the curb on Maplewood Drive, Lee let out a sigh of satisfaction. Pretzel the Clown had "recovered" and the sounds of laughter from the backyard told him his efforts were being appreciated. Another mission completed and a family was safe. As life and fate had repeatedly taught him, the world was made of those who protect and those who are protected and, as his parents before him, he was among those chosen to protect the greater good. He knew that marriage and family life were not an option for him, but he would give his life to ensure that opportunity for others. He accepted his role with stoic honor, if not a little sadness. Throughout his childhood, he would occasionally indulge in a wish that he could be safe and secure with his parents, oblivious to a world fraught with danger. Inevitably though, reality would intrude and he would grudgingly, but increasingly, accept that it was not to be, at least for him. However, he could live vicariously, knowing that he had done his part for the nameless and countless other families and children, allowing them to remain innocent and unsullied from at least some of the harsh truths that comprised the world. In time, he even grew to have a certain amount of pride in knowing that he was considered among the best at his job, even if only a select few were aware of what he did. Yes, he could sleep easier tonight knowing he had done his part.

As she watched her children enjoy the party, Amanda reveled in a moment of normalcy. This is what she had so desperately wanted to provide for her children: a safe and happy childhood. She knew the burden fell to her and she felt it in everything she did. She was to be mother and father, provider and comforter. How grateful she was to have her mother's help, but her mother also depended on her as well. She had never anticipated raising the boys without their father, and she did her best that they might not fully realize what they were missing. Maybe she should marry Dean, receive some comfort and help and provide the boys with a male in the household. They deserved that. But somehow, she couldn't shake the feeling that in so doing, she might only be taking on yet another person who leaned and counted on her. She longed for a true partner, someone who she could share the give and take of her life with. The only escape from the nagging pressures she felt was when she had helped Lee with a few cases. Working with him, she felt alive and as if she was rediscovering a hidden part of herself that the dust had settled on a decade ago. It was exhilarating, but was it responsible? Wasn't that what Joe had done; taken off to a country she considered "dangerous"? This last case had been a particularly close one and she shuddered at the thought of leaving the boys without the only parent currently in their lives. How she wished she could reconcile the demands and desires of her life into a puzzle where all the pieces fit…

Season 2:

Peeling away from the curb, Lee's head was pounding trying to figure out how everything had suddenly gone so wrong. How could you be searching for a missing microdot one minute and dissolve a _whatever _the next? Once again, he had been trying to clean up a mess that Amanda had gotten him into and, instead of being grateful, she was telling him that they shouldn't work together anymore? Well, didn't she pick a fine time to finally listen to what he had been trying to tell her for over a year now? He had tried in every way possible to convey to and convince her that _he worked alone_. It made his profession so much easier. The glory and the failure were his alone. He had learned the hard way that he couldn't always protect or save those he was close to. Not his parents, not his partners, not his love. It was better for all concerned to not have any expectations of him. If he failed, he hadn't disappointed or let anyone down and if he succeeded, well, it was a bonus. Yes, she had helped him in a few instances, out of a few jams, but he had more than repaid the debt by rescuing her from a myriad of not quite harmless situations she had somehow gotten herself into. Now, as a final insult, she was adding to his aggravation with the current predicament they found themselves in by dismissing him. That was fine by him, but he needed to be released from her calmly, without guilt and without regrets. As he turned the car around, he prepared himself for the bittersweet return to a life without her as a complication.

As she stared out towards the backyard he had trampled so many times, she sighed aloud. It was best to let go. She was tired of fighting with him and he obviously didn't care enough to fight for her. Her heart broke a little for the dream she was releasing. Over the past year, she had tried to protect her family and him to the best of her ability. She was fighting a losing battle. How many times had she requested formal training, any training, to be a better help and partner to him and possibly keep her family safe if the situation was called for? It was perfectly reasonable to want to be respected and move forward in a career, but he kept her at arm's length, making sure she was just within reach if he needed her, but not able to gain enough traction to pull ahead or even level. She enjoyed the challenge of each case, the way her mind would expand with scenarios and ideas of how to proceed or with a different perspective on the facts as they worked toward making the world a little safer for the day. Yes, she would miss that exhilaration and feeling of accomplishment, but the cost and his antagonism were becoming increasingly too high. She would regretfully resign from the agency and resign herself to the rest of her safe, normal life.

Season 3:

As he entered his car at her curb, Lee's heart was beating faster than he could ever remember. They were on the brink. The light kiss he had just given her was the tentative preamble to a new chapter in their unlikely partnership. She seemed willing to cross that threshold with him, but his mind reeled with the ramifications. Above all in his life, his friendship with her reigned supreme and he would protect that at all costs. He could not, and would not, jeopardize that saving grace in his life. Yet as their friendship deepened, an unfamiliar restlessness began to stir. He couldn't quite define it, as he had not much experience with love, attraction, friendship and professional fulfillment intersecting in his life. With Francine, there was a friendship with a respected professional, attractive woman, but he had never been close to being in love with her; Eva was a badly misguided attraction and with Dorothy, there simply hadn't been time for any blossoms to fully develop. Amanda was a unique enigma in his life, as she had been from the start. In the beginning, exasperation had counterbalanced any attraction he might have felt. But as their paths continued to converge, he could no longer deny that his palate had been refined to her and her alone. In every arena of his life, professionally and personally, only she would do. He almost dared to not tempt fate that he might find complete redemption with her, but then he had never been one to shy away in face of adversity or indecision. He decided in that moment he would turn the page.

As she watched him enter his car, Amanda's joy could not be contained. So many questions were on the verge of being answered. On countless nights, her thoughts had swirled with hopes, dreams, possibilities and denials. Yet they had also been filled with remembrances. Memories of her relationship with Joe had rudely intruded as if to provide fertile soil for her doubts to grow. Her practical mind and her enamored heart volleyed between reason and feeling, each insisting that they prevail. She had given everything she had to her marriage, and it had still ended. What made her think that any future relationship might be any different? She must protect her heart - she couldn't again endure the breakdown of a relationship where she allowed herself total immersion. But her roots had grown so much stronger personally, and most definitely professionally, over the past 3 years; and maybe, just maybe, Lee would be a true partner in every area of her life and provide the nourishment for her heart to turn fully toward the sun.

Season 4:

As he sat in his car at the curb of IFF, Lee's head sank to the hand resting on his steering wheel. He had no idea how to proceed. He had tried to be reasonable and logical, writing his "observations" on a legal pad that they might calmly and rationally discuss them. Wasn't that the way two people in an adult, mature relationship were supposed to engage? Yes, there was a possibility he might have gone slightly overboard with his list of Amanda's…quirks… but he had wanted to completely clear the air between them. His plan to present them slowly, gently and, most importantly, reciprocally to her had been thwarted. She had found the list in its unvarnished state and had most assuredly been hurt. That had never been his intention. Instead of helping, it was just one more addition to the growing list of stressors that defined their lives of late. The past few months had been dramatic to say the least. His wife of less than 48 hours had been violently injured just steps away from him. His inability to protect her haunted him relentlessly. And that was just the beginning: add a secret marriage, bonding with his stepsons and an intense caseload at work, sans full time partner, and it was a recipe for strife. Then, with sudden clarity, he knew what he had to do. He grabbed the yellow pad from his passenger seat and began to focus on the positives. Her best attributes spilled forth so quickly and prolifically that he had to use shorthand. This list would most definitely be delivered in person with the conclusion being that it was time to protect the only thing they could: their marriage. So much of life was so frustratingly out of his control, but their marriage was not. Tonight, he would make his case: it was time to ease the strains by ending the lies.

She rose from the chair in their apartment and looked out over the garden, hurt pouring forth in waves. Her worst fears were coming true. Her husband was not only focusing on her less appealing attributes, but writing them down, just in case there might be one or two he especially didn't want to forget or overlook. She knew she probably wasn't being completely fair or rational, but she was just so exhausted: physically, mentally and emotionally. The events of the past few months would be daunting under the best of conditions, but with a lingering physical recovery underpinning it all, she was being pushed to a breaking point. Obviously, something was going to have to give, but what? She had been juggling the lives of Amanda King, mother and PTA volunteer and Agent King for so very long, always trying her best to always be careful to avoid or minimize collision, knowing the fallout could be catastrophic. But now there was a new role: Mrs. Lee Stetson; a cherished role which encompassed and bridged both of those worlds. With a start, the answer became blindingly obvious. It was time to come clean – about everything. What had she been thinking? Did she think accepting the truth would be easier for everyone over time or would the hurt only be compounded by each day they were kept in the dark? Their intentions had been good, but unrealistic. She had wanted to protect her mother and especially her boys; they had been through so much. But maybe the best way to protect them was to respect them enough to tell them the truth. True, it would be a difficult conversation, but the wound, and their new marriage and family, could then begin to heal and grow together, not further apart. Tonight, she would make her case: it was time to ease the strain by ending the lies.


End file.
